Come so far to fall so short.

This past weekend, something happened. Right before I drove to Claremont to go visit friends at Harvey Mudd, I stopped by Albertsons to get something. When I walked toward the store from the parking lot, a lady stopped me and asked if she could wash my windshield for some money. I paused and gave her some money and told here there was no need to wash the windshield. As I talked to her some more, her voice was very hoarse and she said that she was feeling ill and didn't know what type of medicine she should get. I told her to wait there and went in to buy her a few dayquil and nyquil (since I thought she could use some sleep, but might need both). So I gave it to her and said "God bless" as I walked away. I felt decent about what I had done, especially since I have been harping on helping the needy recently, but then as if running into a wall I felt guilty. Here I was with this woman and sure I helped her physical needs, but I had her engaged in conversation and I let a prime time to share the gospel slip through my fingers. I almost started to cry as I continued to drive. I had become in that moment exactly what I preach against, a person who ends God's love with doing good for people's physical needs and doesn't meet spiritual needs. This hit me as a load of bricks, and I became very depressed. I talked with a friend over the course of the weekend about the matter, and I began to realize my progression, a good progression. A few years back I wouldn't have even helped the lady. Slowly I started to give help to the poor in various ways, but neglected to even mention God. Then I started to tack on "God bless" because I felt convicted about the shame I had at being a public Christian and wanted to bring God to the forefront. This is the place I was at until recently. Do good deeds and make sure God is associated with them. But this isn't far enough. I've discussed in an earlier (myspace) blog about how it's a tragedy to meet someones physical needs and neglect their spiritual, because meeting spiritual needs is a more pressing concern, and physical needs should be a secondly (though important) concern. I began to realize how God has been progressing me, and how at each stage when I feel convicted to go further I feel guilty when I am aware of how I've failed. This is been an odd source of encouragement though after talking to my friend, because I see this as living proof of what Jonathon Edwards wrote in Religious Affections about how when we are more aware of God's grace we are more aware of our sin. The closer you get to God, who has no blemish or defect, the more you see your own sin. Stated negatively, you see how wretched and sinful you are and how far you are still from true holiness. Stated positively, you see how great God's grace is and you see how far you have come in your faith as you recollect on how your struggles have changed.